Okay, time for a thought experiment: The zombie apocalypse has begun. You and a handful of survivors have found a safe, fortified place to fend off the undead. There’s just enough room for one more person, and you have to choose from five candidates: an engineer, an art historian, a geographer, a philosopher, and a film buff. Which one do you choose? Who would prove most useful in trying to survive and rebuild human society?

That was the subject of an academic debate held at the University of California at Santa Barbara. A variation of the famous “Life Raft Debate,” each professor was given the opportunity to make the case for his/her discipline.

There can be only one...

Herewith their arguments:

Dan Montello, Professor of Geography: “When Zombies Arrive, Geography Helps You Survive,” was the title of his presentation. Textbooks in geography cover topics ranging from the movement of the sun and seasonality, spatial coordinate and measurement systems, mapping and information display, climate and weather, salt and fresh water, soil, landforms, the distributions of plants and animals, and the distribution of ethnic groups and cultural practices. Thus, he argued, geography would help with such specific post-apocalyptic problems as finding potable water and edible food, defending the community from zombies and finding other groups of people with desirable social and cultural traits.

Jennifer Holt, Professor of Film and Media: Holt declared that her discipline knows the most about zombies, backing her claim with a lengthy list of zombie movie titles including Scoobie-Doo on Zombie Island and Zombie Vegetarians. She went on to argue that film would bring culture and a pleasant diversion to a society obsessed with survival. Entertainment helped people get through the Great Depression, she noted.

Jeff Moehlis, Professor of Mechanical Engineering: The professor brandished a silver contraption that he called the “telescopic hydraulic zombie brain crusher,” and demonstrated how the device works by crushing a prototype of a zombie brain  (a flesh-colored balloon). He also argued that his mechanical engineering skills would be key in rebuilding bridges and highways, facilitating transportation by building cars and “urban assault vehicles,” and providing electricity. He concluded, “Finally, if all is lost and we have to abandon earth, I will build a rocket…You might say I’m a badass zombie slayer.”

Laurie Monhan, Professor of Art History: She argued that an art historian is needed to provide avant garde stratagems to work through problems and to “tell us what we’ve done and what we haven’t tried…because the education system is working hard to make us all zombies.”

Aaron Zimmerman, Professor of Philosophy: The professor argued that with philosophy, “We’ll be able to reconstruct the whole of knowledge, because philosophy is the mother of all knowledge.” Being a “jack of all trades, a master of none, is usually a weakness,” he said, “but works to my advantage in this case.”

One graduate student made the case for not letting any of them in:  “What has their generation given us? A crippled economy, global warming, and now the apocalypse. Vote for someone with PhD in Kicking Ass and Taking Names.”